Classic Gone-and-Forgotten: Rob Liefeld's Captain America

"Welcome to the First Printing, Chromium cover edition of Gone and Forgotten, February edition, signed and numbered by me, Michael Flagherty..."

"Face front, true believers! Nuff Said! Ha Ha! I'm the good-looking, self-assured 'buddy' character from the truly awful comic The Amazing Wahoo - which you'll definitely see here in the next month or two. Although I look just like the All-American boy, I AM a mid-eighties comic book geek ... so as soon as I'm done here, I'll be off to masturbate to the pictures of She-Hulk in the Marvel Universe handbook. You can also bet your bottom dollar that I cried like a little girl when John Byrne killed off Vindicator in Alpha Flight."

"Enough about me, here's a really cool comic! I bought twelve copies of the first issue, both variant covers, and the signed and numbered copy through Dynamic Forces. It's Awesome! Excelsior!

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When Captain America throws his mighty shieeeeeeeeld!
All those who chose to oppose his shield must yieeeeeeeld!
And they fight with the white and red or blue
with the blue has the through to the blue on you
When Captain America throo-oows his mi-ghty shieeeeeeld!

Those aren't the real lyrics.

Yes, well, you knew I would get around to it ONE day ... and today is that day! Couple years back Marvel Comics - at the time the market leader in comic book sales - decided to inject some life into properties which they feared were threatening to lose their competitive edge in the face of more 'modern' (and almost by definition, more cruel and less heroic) superheroes being published by such novice companies as Image Comics.

So Marvel lured Jim Lee and Rob Liefeld back to their company (They had left to form the very Image comics company that was giving Marvel the heebie-jeebies).

Keep in mind that it was an experiment. Marvel is a major entertainment company these days, with its multitudinous mitts dipping into television, motion pictures, interactive media, cards, CCGs, toys and action figures, as well as apparel, collectibles, art prints, and ... my personal favorite ... theme restaurants. They have subsidiary companies to handle all of these interests - except for comic books! Comic books are still written and drawn right in the Marvel offices. It's really their only tangible output not managed by a satellite company.

So Marvel wanted to test the waters. They put a handful of their traditional properties (Along with Cap, thus went the Fantastic Four, Iron Man, the Avengers, and a dozen or so auxiliary characters) in a "pocket universe" and left it entirely to the devices of the Lee and Liefeld's respective studios.

The stories were poorly-received, and even the large body of fans who stated that they liked the work had to qualify it as not being the best either creator had produced. But it DID bring new readers to the titles while taking the busy day-to-day management of the books' publishing out of Marvel's otherwise-occupied hands. In those terms, Marvel was thrilled with the results
and has again begun farming out some of its titles.

Ah, but onto the stories. I wish I could spend some time on Avengers, as well as Cap, since Avengers was ALSO under Liefeld's purview - but of the two, Cap is the greatest tragedy. Even before it got out of the gate, in fact ...

Liefeld was committed to drawing the story - Lord knows why - so previous artist Ron Garney had to go. Writer Mark Waid, recently wooed away from DC Comics, has no love lost for Liefeld and 'his ilk,' and so declined an offer to continue scripting the title. Other folks offered a spot on the title included Chuck Dixon and George Perez - both of whom reconsidered and passed on the offer. Reportedly, Avengers re-scripter Jim Valentino was offered to go on after eventual writer Jeph Loeb left the title, but ran into some money disputes with Liefeld's Extreme Studio.

THEN the first issue came out! Wow!

The story, in brief - dreary, fey factory worker Steve Rogers is plagued by dreams, dreams in which he bucks wild on what might be Nazi soldiers, only we can't really tell because their uniforms were so poorly researched. Meanwhile, some damn kid worries about her brother who loves Nazism and has a really stupid hairstyle. Then a size-changing black man gives Steve a "Ford in '72" button, and everybody breaks into a riveting post-apocalyptic dance routine while Steve's wife removes her face to reveal that she is --- Maskatron! Action Figure villain from the Six Million Dollar Man toy line.

And supposedly we're supposed to be freaked out by the tired villainy of an Aryan Superman named MasterMan, and his legions of malnourished idiots.

Right, that's it for the story! Let's check out this "Arte" (A trademark of Extreme Studios, not to be confused with 'Art,' an industry-wide standard of quality not subscribed to by Extreme Studios and its management). Here, one of my favorite scenes, the soon-to-be Bucky (Designed to look a heck of a lot like Carrie from Frank Miller's Dark Knight Returns) confronts her brother and his friend, a tremendously-huge freak ... and no one seems to think this is weird. Check it out, looking at where 'John's' feet would most likely end, his pal is probably buried about three feet in the sidewalk. Not to mention that his gargantuan arms would easily scrape pavement were they ever in a relaxed position. AND on top of all of this, the stoop on which Bucky sits appears to go up about one story, officially making it the largest stoop I've ever seen ... and if that IS the entrance to their building, then having the stairs go up to the second floor kind of defeats the purpose of having first-floor apartments.

Here's another scene where MasterMan works his "crowd" into a furor. Notice, however, that not only did the artist choose to represent the crowd - a crowd numbering, as a whole, about fifty, maybe sixty people - in silhouette only, but he reused the silhouettes ... yes, folks, he just photostatted the same three or four silhouettes and repeated them among the page. That's laziness on an Olympic level.

Here's the best part, though. Captain America's shield, integral to the character's look, is apparently made of silly putty; from panel to panel, the shield changes size in proportion to its assorted wielders - I'm guessing Liefeld's compass is broken on one setting.

So, check this out: In the hands of Steve Trevor's ... no, wait, Steve Roger's dimunitive black stalker, the shield isn't much bigger than a record album, but WAIT! After enduring a surprise attack, Steve's shield fits comfortably in the space between shoulder and forearm, maybe 15 inches in diameter. Steve gloriously swings into high and starts hurting people, and notice that his shield is now as wide as the distance from the knuckles
of his hand to his shoulder - about 2-and-a-half feet in diameter, or so. Then Steve lets fly at some enemy agents, and his shield has ballooned to an impressive FOUR or FIVE feet wide - almost as tall as the guys it's knocking over. But if Steve was worried about somehow storing his gargantuan shield when he gets home - no worries .... It's just as big as a small pizza! Personal Pan Shield!

There's so much more crap in this comic, but I can't go on. Stories differ as to the exact reason why Liefeld's run on this book was ended prematurely, but it all comes down to a messed up product that was an embarassment overall for a number of people involved ... and even moreso for those who shelled out cash money for the product.

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• "Can't talk now, honey, I have to balance carefully on the invisible tightrope in the middle of our kitchen"
• Steve Rogers eats lunch like a real American - with a SPOON in EACH HAND!
• Steve throws all limbs akimbo whenever his son's right leg inexplicably vanishes into his pelvis. It's family fun!
• What the hell is up with these two?
• 1st Spectacular Issue!!
  

Classic Gone-and-Forgotten: Captain America vs DRUGS!

Captain America vs DRUGS!
SPOILER WARNING: Drugs lose.

"When Captain America throws his mighty shie-e-e-e-eld, all those who chose to smoke lots of weed and snort blow off a hooker's ass must yi-e-e-e-e-eld ...!"

And the red and the white and the blue smoke crack, when Captain America stars in his very own PSA comi-i-i-i-ic! Which he has, folks, back in 1990 Captain America starred in an anti-drug awareness comic produced in cooperation with the FBI.

This is the smartest super-villain in history. He should be running AIM

(Speaking of which, under the Patriot Act, I believe I risk federal prosecution for making fun of this book. Get your "Free Humble G&F Editor" bumper stickers while they're fresh! Or just cross "Mumia" off of your already-existing bumper sticker and write me in, you dirty hippie)

The one-shot is titled "High Heat," which sure makes me want to slap someone. Most likely, that would be Peter David, author of this particular fable. Additionally, I believe this comic was conceived as a challenge between David, Bill Jemas and Joe Quesada – all three create their own PSA comic, and if Peter David's book doesn't convince all kids everywhere to stop using drugs, he's fired. All Jemas has to do is convince kids to eat pizza and drink beer. Quesada's book has been pushed back to 2008, but you still aren't allowed to cancel retail orders for it.

The story starts off on the observer spaceship of the alien Tzin, of whom we only ever see their nasty, caterpillar-lookin' fingers. The aforementioned digits are exclusively shown fussing around with the big, suborbital DirecTV hookup with which they size up the human race.

Planning an invasion of Earth, they wonder whether even their superior alien firepower can overwhelm the indominatable human spirit. "Are you saying it will be difficult," says one of the aliens, "That we shouldn't even try?" No, never give up, silly alien! Where there's life, there's hope, even for all-conquering alien dominators! THAT'S the REAL message of this book.

What are you saying, KLXXR? You've never given up on anything in your life!

Deciding to exploit humanity's one weakness – the habit of sucking down mind-altering substances – the aliens proceed to conquer us by blowing up breweries. No, fucking wait ... they decide to pick FOUR humans, chosen specifically for their unique gifts which will eventually grow to benefit all of mankind. The Tzin will tempt them with drugs to see whether they are strong enough to withstand temptation, or give in and end up managing a Circle K.

The first kid they pick is a rising star little league baseball player name of Mitch, which was hedging their bets to be sure. An athlete using DRUGS? What kind of topsy-turvy world IS this?
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Mitch jumps at the chance to inhale the sugar packets – yes, to all appearances, sugar packets – offered to him by an overcoat-bedecked stranger. Concerned over his friend's suspicious behavior, Mitch's close pal Keith Wilson* does what anyone would do – he narcs on Mitch.

*Amazingly, absolutely amazingly, this is a black kid named "Wilson" who is NOT related to the Falcon. A first for everything in Marvel comics, a first for everything ...

Cap is really fucking sarcastic.

Inappropriately enough, Keith calls on Captain America to closely investigate this kid who's suspected of taking drugs. I hate to point this out, but Cap never would have existed if he himself had not been an underage kid who took drugs. The Super Soldier Serum ain't Snapple, babies, and the first one's always free. I'd suggest calling on a hero who got his powers from something a little more socially responsible – like radiation, or black magic. Something DECENT ...

In any case, there's luckily no evil or crime anywhere else in the world at the moment, so Cap's swings on by. He happens to catch up with the kid at the point when a drugged-up and befuddled Mitch accidentally wings a ninety-mile-an-hour fastball smack into the batter's head. "My control was off," Mitch pleads over the unconscious body of the clobbered boy, “My head was messed up!"

Parting the already-angry mob, Cap busts in and asks "Want to tell us WHY your head was messed up, Mitch? Is there something you've been putting into it?"

Wow. Cap. Way to incite an already foaming crowd. Cap's terrifically timed bon mot enrages the crowd further, but luckily nearby cops have come to investigate the scene – oh, actually, they had planned on just driving by the public lynching until Cap threw his shield at their heads. Tell me again, WHO'S ON DRUGS HERE?

"...It IS some nut in a Captain America costume!"

After enraging the crowd, Cap takes everyone who's even vaguely sympathetic towards Mitch – his parents, his coach and Keith – out of line-of-sight of the irate mob and Mitch both. Let me say that again – he turned his back on the angry mob, he turned his back on Mitch, and then he hung out with some people who were really into blaming themselves for Mitch's drug problem. ONE MORE TIME: Where was the mob? I don't know. Where was Mitch? I don't know. Where were the people who would happily defend Mitch against an angry mob? Hanging out behind the boys' showers, having a chat.

In one of those twists that make comics such exciting reading, Mitch is wandering the streets and HAPPENS TO RUN INTO THE ANGRY MOB! I guess the angry mob was having coffee together. They invite Mitch to their kaffeklatsch by way of a baseball bat to the gut, which hits Mitch so damn hard that he starts bleeding from the nose! COPIOUSLY bleeding from the nose, hemorrhaging internally! Keep this in mind, because I'm coming back to this ...

Naturally Cap shows up, beats off Mitch's attackers and quips the line that he's as strong as twenty men (because of what again? Oh yes, DRUGS!). Cap then proceeds to lecture a still bleeding Mitch on the foulness of drug use. Except when your country demands it. But seriously, Mitch, no drugs, c'mon man.

I neglected to mention that, earlier on, Mitch had been re-approached by his overcoat-sporting pusher. In a sudden paroxysm of spasming denial, Mitch smacks his pusher in the phiz, knocking off what was apparently a ceramic mask of a human face and revealing the alien features beneath. Mitch actually tries to explain to Cap that aliens gave him drugs, and Cap's response to this is to sort of pat Mitch's head and send him on his way, lesson learned.

"...THANKS TO DRUGS!"

So, at first glance, Cap UNBELIEVABLY decides that a drug-abusing teenager who spins some yarn about drug-pushing aliens just has "quite an imagination," and figures the kid is otherwise okay to walk home by himself. Me, I'd think the kid was probably tripping a LITTLE too hard to be allowed to escort himself ANYWHERE.

But hey, the Living Legend of World War II isn't a chaperone, I suppose. Even if he did drive all the way out to Butt-Fuck, South Egypt in the American Midwest merely to answer one kid's possible suspicions about his close friends potential drug use. And even if he's having Mitch walk home alone through streets potentially crawling with members of an angry mob waiting to whup his ass. AND EVEN IF Cap himself helped rile up that crowd. "N.M.P., CITIZEN! HAWKAAAA!" or whatever.

But ON TOP OF ALL THAT and thinking about it a second time, Cap has let an assault victim who is bleeding copiously from the nose and has just sustained a blunt force trauma to the breadbasket WALK HOME. Okay Cap! That was fucking sugar the kid was sniffing, you know, not radioactive spider blood or Uru or some shit.

Hell, even after Cap finds the shattered face mask of the alien pusher, he just sort of shrugs and heads back to his Americycle or whatever, never stopping Mitch to follow up on what may be an incredible alien conspiracy! Frankly, for all the good Cap did in this one – which was essentially to show up, break up a schoolyard fight and then lecture somebody – he might as well have been your Junior High School Principal wearing really fantastic pajamas.

"Let's leave my wife out of this, Cap."

So thus ends the saga of Mitch, inasmuch as he probably passed out in an alleyway and quietly bled to death halfway home. As for the other THREE specially gifted individuals whom the aliens were planning to tempt and subsequently destroy with their sugary space drugs? I ... I don't know. I'm assuming this was either planned as a much larger book, or a series, or SOMETHING because they just never get mentioned after the first time. And since Cap never investigated the suspicious alien situation, they're probably all dead now. GOD BLESS AMERICA!