Classic Gone-and-Forgotten: The Protectors

"Hello Everyone, and welcome to Gone and Forgotten. I'm your host for this edition - Bee Boy! Bzzzzzzzzz!"

"Yes, I haven't seen the light of day since Superboy #127, and I'm a freak! The official story is that I was a lost kid who was abandoned in the middle of Africa and saved by some sort of damn bee serum, but I think it's fair to say that I'm just a "special" guy with "special" tastes (Whaddya think of my fancy white ermine turtleneck tunic?). Hey, I even tried bagging Lana Lang's sweet thorax while she was doing her Insect Queen thing. Ah, Lana, your dry, chitinous husk, your hairy, exo-skeletal legs ... ooooaaaugh. Baby. Superboy took pity on me and spared me a brutal beating at his invulnerable hands. In fact, the editors of his comic even begged readers to ask for more Bee Boy stories. Nobody wrote. Nobody ever wrote."

"But enough about me, let's move on to the January selection of the worst comics ever written. Let's meet...

THE PROTECTORS

...Or better yet, how about Great White?

Boy, did these guys suck. A product of New York Comics (which was published by Solson Inc, printed by Solson, distributed by Solson and featured Solson house ads ... for Heaven's Sake, who is this mysterious New York Comics?), theoretically this comic introduced "The Most Unlikely Heroes Of All," which was true inasmuch as it's highly unlikely this band of unlikeable incompetents could do anything heroic whatsoever.

And wasn't that an X-Men catchphrase, anyway?

Right, well, Protectors was written by Brett Axel, a name that screams "I will play bass in a garage band until I'm thirty-eight," and drawn by Spencer Bernard, age 12. I'm not kidding. Spencer is Brett's wife's cousin. I'm not kidding. Spencer left the book to draw dragons full-time. I'm still not kidding.

I usually wouldn't bother slamming a book drawn by a kid, but Brett up there deserves a half-dozen GAFs and a SeeBelow all to himself; a frustrated writer ... painter .... poet ... AND musician. Plus his spelling is atrocious, and he sounds like a big dork. Not only did Brett visit his unfortunate comic book idea on the world at large, due to a proportional naivete on Spencer's part (Spence drew the books on 11x14 paper, rather than the 12x17 preferred by most cartoonists) Brett chose to give us a running editorial on the 'creative process' behind the Protectors, running along the bottom 1¾ inches of each (and every) page. Great. Here are some pearls of wisdom Brett visits upon our sorry heads:

"It began with a daydream adventure. That's the way my stories usually begin. I pick an adventure that sort of formulates in my mind and play it out. I was Randy, my wife Linda, my sister Gail was Gene, spelled masculine, by the way, because the character suits it" Haha. Of course, that is a joke; No one in this book HAS any character whatsoever.

The story, by the way, centers around Randy Pain, his wife Linda and Randy's psychic sister (part-time private detective Gene Pain). Gene's been hired to locate a missing girl - Donna Jacobs, not that knowing her name is at all important - and for no reason whatsoever uncovers a plot by a bejumpsuited, undersea spy organization to kidnap woman and crossdressers. Then Roxanne, a dart-throwing tomboy, joins up with the group, adds in one of the stupidest pop culture references I've ever seen with my own eyes, and plunges a dart into some guys sinuses. Then Terrance Stamp puts on a housedress and says he's the devil, and nobody gets off the boat alive, - did I mention that there was a boat? - and then I don't remember cause I've read this comic a dozen times and I STILL don't know what the hell is supposed to be happening.

More from Brett, regarding the editorial accompaniment:"My solution, after grave consideration, you are now reading. I said "Hey lets let the reader in on all the behind the scenes stuff. The embarrassing truths, that sort of thing. Nobody liked the idea." And yet. By the way, that excerpt is reproduced error for error, just to show us the quality of writer with which we are dealing.

And if you thought Protectors #1 was great ... and how could you ... here's some stuff Brett had planned for future issues, ideas which his peers deemed "too political, too controversial or too radical"

"The second issue showing another possible story to the Libian crisis, one which shows Ron Reagan in a most unattractive light was sure to bring the CIA down on me as a subversive ... 'glorifying drunk driving' ... criticizing the Hands Across America ... a spoof on the teenage mutant Ninja Turtles titled the Unborn Nuclear Wasted Punk Rock Fetuses ... (About four aborted fetuses flushed into Manhattans sewer which lived and grew older as a result of a nuclear waste dumping)"

No, like most every other Solson production, Protectors went one whole issue (other Solson books never even came out at all. Thank goodness). More about Solson, Solson publisher Gary Brodsky and Solson guilt-by-associate Rich Buckler in a later GAF. I'm just too tired now. Just ... tooo ... tired.

• Jean/Gene and her magic mood astrology psychic sea anemone
• This was the house ad for the second issue of the Protectors. Some issues:




1. Wow, with an ad like this, how could I RESIST?
2. Blood doesn't splatter like that. Paint and semen splatter like that. So make your own guesses as to what's going on here.
3. I see a horsie, and another horsie, and two birdies and a duck.


• The cover to issue one.