Classic Gone-and-Forgotten: I, Krypto

"Hi, this is a very special and very different edition of Gone & Forgotten. Instead of reviewing some lousy comic, we're going to look back on the career of a beloved comic book institution, Krypto the Super-Dog! And the Super-Dog Family! Woof!

"I'm Kolli, Krypto's super-sweetheart. Don't sweat it if you don't remember me. Shortly after my only appearance, I was run over by Braniac's spaceship. Nonetheless, before my untimely demise, I did scatter Krypto's illegitimate pups all over the inhabited cosmos, so next time your space shuttle finds itself humped by super-powered dogs, you know what's going on.

"In any case, please enjoy reminiscing with some of Krypto's greatest friends and enemies - as if a dog could have friends and enemies - and try not to think about how we're all dead now."

"I am King Krypto, and I sentence you all to DEATH!"

Hello visitors, I am Krypto, greatest of the Super-pets because I was Superman's favorite, and because Streaky and Comet aren't even really Kryptonian and Proty is a pile of snot! Ha ha! I am not only super-powerful, but also much smarter than any normal dog. Notice, for instance, that I have no desire to cram my nose into your crotch as a form of greeting. I am beyond that. Also, I do not eat feces or ruin the carpet. Only bad dogs would do that. I am not a bad dog. Krypto is a good dog.

"I am Swifty, one of about a billion super dogs who, over the course of the fifties and sixties, usurped Superboy's affections for Krypto and replaced him as a partner. I know we usually all turned out to be robots or Krypto in disguise, but still, if I were Krypto I wouldn't put up with Superboy's shit. You know what I mean?"

"And I am Destructo, who was Lex Luthor's pet dog! I was given super-powers so that I could help my master open a can of whoop-ass on Superboy and Super-Dog. Back in the Sixties, every one of Superboy's foes seemed to have a dog. Kryptonite Kid had the Kryptonite Bulldog there. I'm sure there would've been more villain dogs, but frankly, Superboy only HAD maybe two or three villains. Most of the time, he used his incredible super human strength to beat the hell out of penny ante gangsters and con men."

"I am Kryptonite Dog,
and I like to eat beef jerky
and fart noxious Kryptonite
fart clouds everywhere."

"Raaaagh! Me am Bizarro Krypto! Me make mess on carpet! Me eat own feces! Me hump all legs! Woof woof! Me am barking loud all night! Me am apeshit crazy!"

"Grr! Naff off Bizarro Krypto! I fucking hate you!"

OOooh. Who could I be? Am I a be-yooo-tiful lady dog? HAHA!
No! I am Krypto! I flew through a Red Kryptonite comet once and, for forty-eight hours, was changed intoa beautiful collie dog. The master's girlfriend said I was so pretty. She petted me and gave me treats. She said I was the lovingest most special doggie in the universe. Even my master thought I was beautiful. He brushed my fur and threw many balls for me to chase.

Then the Red K wore off. "Surprise!" I said. "It is me, the beautiful dog you loved so much was me, plain old Krypto! Now you see that you only loved what is special inside of me!" They hugged me and said they liked me the way I was. Then they went off together and I was left alone for several hours.

"This is another of my ingenious
disguises. I am secretly a dog,
but look, I am wearing glasses!"

Begorrah! I am Tail Terrier, Captain and chairman of the Space Canine Patrol Agency, a team of intergalactic, telepathic crimefighting dogs who made Krypto a member back in the Sixties. Every member was required to have a super-power; for instance, I possessed an infinitely elastic, malleable, prehensile tail I could use to lasso crooks. Krypto, by comparison, could flash fry us or stomp us into nothing with his mighty paws. We didn't mess with Krypto.

"By dame ib Tusky Husky, adb by bib toobh ib ubeful for obening dings. Bib Dob! Bib Dob! Bow Wow Wow!"
Other members of the team included Chameleon Collie, who could change his shape, Mammoth Mutt, who could inflate to a huge size and thereby become an easy target. There was also Precognitive Pup whose freakish head turned translucent and gave us views of the future. And lest I forget, there was also Paw Pooch, Hot Dog, Tusky Husky and Snoop Dogg.

We'd meet in our galactic clubhouse and bark out our pledge: "Big Dog Big
Dog, Bow Wow Wow. We'll Stop Evil, Now Now Now!" Then we'd keep yapping and howling for half an hour or so. Mark Waid can't ever remember our anthem correctly. We mock him for it. I, personally, have dropped poopy on his house on more than one occasion, laughing heartily as we veer our hyper-dimensional cruiser through his rosebushes and do donuts on his lawn.

Our biggest enemies were these rogue, sentient cats who kept trying to feed us tainted hot dogs. It was a mess. A lot of them were the pets of Kryptonian villains who'd been condemned to the Phantom Zone - I mean, I sort of don't blame them for turning to evil! They get eternally banished to a twilight dimension of terror just because they happen to be the pet cats of criminals. Sometimes I think it's a blessing that Krypton exploded.

"You take that back or I'll KILL YOU! I'll KILL YOU!"

Then there's us, the Legion of Super-Pets. Here's a picture of us on the Celebrity Super-Pets edition of Jeopardy. Me? I'm Comet, Supergirl's pet horse who secretly used to be a human male, and I won the game when I bet it all on "Super-Pets who've claimed SuperGirl's maidenhead"

Besides me, Beppo the Super-Monkey is also a member. Beppo was sent into space on an experimental rocket built by Jor-El. Just like Krypto, the freaking thing got lost and
he wandered through space for a bunch of decades. Freaking Jor-El. To say it was traumatic is to put too kind a face on it. Poor little monkey used to chew on his own dried feces and weep violently, haunted by terrifying dreams of endless blackness. Anyway, Beppo's put it all behind him. Of course, Beppo pretty much blew his mind on peyote during the Seventies when he moved to New Mexico to "find himself."

"I figure surviving begins with healing,
and healing begins with forgiveness.
I forgive you Jor-El. Sob."

There was also Streaky the Super-Cat, who was kind of a fraud, but he was also a freaking wild man so we kept him around for the parties. Streaky got his super-powers from something called "Kryptonite-X," which SuperGirl "accidentally" slipped into a ball of yarn for him to play with. He only kept his powers for a little while, so after they'd wear off we'd make him go do the beer runs.

Then there was this little ball of shit named Proty. We kept him around for laughs. What a feeb.

Over the years, we've had a number of great adventures, but mostly we flew to the 30th century and beat up on the Legion of Super-Heroes a lot. Hahaha. "No, no, Braniac 5, we were being mentally controlled!" HAHAHAHA. Oh yeah, and Bee Boy applied for membership once. Streaky made him swim out to the pier with a candle in his thorax. Those were wild times.

"Okay, okay, that's enough already."

These were my fantastic adventures. There were so many folks I couldn't find the time or space to mention, or for that matter, the inclination. There was my pal Ed Lacy, a retired Police Detective who palled around with me when I was playing the role of a professional stuntdog named "Jocko." Most of Ed's relatives were junkies on the run from the law. We had to keep finding them and saving them. I'm guessing that this was because Ed was a black comic book character and, therefore, family of junkies. Comic book logic. It makes sense to some folk.

"This is a drawing I made of Proty. He is stinky poop."

Also, at the same time, there was this lady movie star dog I was trying to get close to. "Chelsea." Stuck up little bitch - literally. Moses couldn't part her legs, I swear.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Ma and Pa Kent, my master's adoptive parents and the kindly couple whose rugs I so often ruined over the course of a lifetime. I will always remember MA Kent as the woman who would sneak me pieces of lunchmeat off the counter. I'll always remember Pa Kent as the man who would pass wind and blame it on me. Also, these two created my absolutely excellent secret identity of "Spot" or some damn thing, which they created
by spilling paint on my back. They meant well. But honestly.

"Fuck you! Fuck you and die
you fucking stupid cat! I hate you!"

THE END! ARF!