Classic Gone-and-Forgotten: Official Handbook to the Marvel Universe #3

The Official Handbook to the Marvel Universe - Deluxe Edition

One of my favorite comics of all time is issue three of The Official Handbook to the Marvel Universe - Deluxe Edition. Seriously, it's right up there with that superhero toy catalog comic drawn by the Kubert Academy, so it's got illustrations of velvet Frank Frazetta blacklight posters and Mego Star Trek figures as rendered by Steve Bissette, John Totleben and Rick Veitch.

I like it because it contains - moreso than any other volume of this series - some of the most appalingly horrid costume and character designs I've ever seen in comics. Let that sink in. EVEN BY COMIC BOOK STANDARDS, THESE DESIGNS ARE FUCKING HORRIBLE!

Admittedly, there are some classic designs in there, like the elegance of Daredevil's lines - uncomplicated by an embroidered pleather jacket, for crying out loud - or the regal imperiousness of Doctor Doom. And Darkstar of the Soviet Super Soldiers has a downright elegant, military-esque design - cause I gotta love me the vertical strip down the side of the leg.

But beyond those few selections, this book is amazing. I scanned in ten of the most outstanding freakshows - not all the bad costumes, just the ones which stood out, if you can believe it. I left out guys like the Controller, the Collector, and the Corrupter, who actually looks a lot like Nightcrawler at the Renaissance Fair. I even left out Doctor Demonicus, who is sort of all around - costume, character, gimmick and nemesis (Godzilla) - a total mess.

Cloud

Just so you know, you are indeed looking at what you think you're looking at here: A naked, underaged girl with wisps of tow obscuring her netherparts. If it makes you any more comfortable, though, she later one becomes a naked, underaged boy with cloudy protruberences hovering about his twig and berries. Or maybe the other way around, I can't recall. In any case, what's important to remember is that Cloud is actually for realsies an immense nebula of pre-stellar gasses which took human form to fight crime. Mm-hm, really. A magic box told him/her to do it. Mm-hm.

You know how sometimes I say hate comic books? Well, (A) I do and (B) that's why.

Adds my wife: "Man, that's a killer queef." Bam. haha honey, you win.

Colossus

Colossus is most famous, in comic book circles, for repeatedly nailing a 13-year old girl. Not to worry, he was only 19 at the time! Fuck! Chris Claremont, you retarded fuck. You know, the only time the other X-Men gave Colossus any shit for mowing that particular lawn was when he LEFT Kitty for a woman HIS OWN AGE. They gave him that retarded "You better not hurt her, bub" speech, meaning somehow after committing dozens of acts of statuatory rape and forcibly imprinting all over that kid's psyche, he should watch out for her feelings now...

So anyway, of COURSE this steel-plated pedophile has the dog collar outfit. Let's do a count - Neck, that's one, one on each knee and ankle, that's five, I think we can count the hefty bag plastic ties on his wrists as two ... that's seven ... you've been a bad girl, underage ladies, let Big Pyotr show you some discipline ...

Cottonmouth

Is it just me, or does calling a black guy "Cottonmouth" just SEEM like a racial epithet? I can't get over it ...

You have to love any costume which picks a theme and sticks with it til it dies or Jesus comes back. Cottonmouth's theme is "snake yaps," which he's got on his little purple beret, repeated in the flares on his gloves and boots, and then he's got a big evil snake face on his torso. I wonder if it looks like it's chewing gum when he does situps?

Cottonmouth's power, by the way, is that he can dislocate his jaw and eat you. SWEAR TO GOD! DC may eat a lot of shit for Matter Eater Lad (who I'm pretty sure was a Jerry Siegel creation, so to all his detractors allow me to say "Eat MY matter, you fucks!"), but at least Matter Eater Lad JUST ATE STUFF! Not people! Cottonmouth's OHOTMU-DE page even goes as far as to show a three-panel progressive diagram of his power in FULL EFFECT:

Notice that his little beret is designed to look like a snake with its mouth open. And then he ends up looking like a snake with his mouth open on his own. So what you end up with, at the denouement, is what looks like a big purple snake eating a black guy who's eating Captain America.

Crossfire

This guy's name is Crossfire. His real name is William Cross. I don't know if you can pick up on this really subtle character device, but this guy is really into crosses! It's totally his thing. It's what he does. He loves-a the crosses.

Major points to his nickel-chrome crucifix codpiece. "Protect me, o Lord, from all matter of groin injuries and savage Nut Monkeys, amen!"

Cyclops

Looking ... looking good there, Cyke. Very ... very leadership duds you got there. It's nice that your mom sewed in patches to keep your inner thighs from wearing out so fast.

SPECIAL FUN FACT: This is the only place this costume ever appeared - Cyclops was preparing for a run in X-Factor, and they hadn't quite settled on his new garb yet. This was used as an interim piece. MORE SPECIAL FUN FACTS: As there was an absence of images of Cyclops in this costume to use for his entry, images of Cyke in OTHER costumes were edited to reflect this monstrosity. Except the ones which John Byrne drew. That MEANS something, Gil Kane gets edited but John Byrne don't ...

Dazzler

Can you believe she was headlining her own book in this costume?

I'm no fan of Image Comics, but the one thing they DID do for the industry was put youth-aimed hipster costume and character design into the hands of people who were, y'know, actually young and hip. How many years prior to this were we getting the latest fashions for as perceived by 45-year old suits who had homes in Connecticut? This is why we still occasionally have common street thugs in comics dressed like the Fonz, or Johnny Rotten.

Anyway, nice asymmetry. If there's one thing the kids really like, it's spandex and assymetry. And fingerless gloves. And a headband. Oh, and that red band around her calf, it's not distracting, no-o-o-o-o.

Paul Chadwick didn't design this, did he? I have to punch my copies of Concrete if he did ...

Death-Throws

Man, check it out, just when you thought the Circus of Crime had covered all the clown super-villains you can manage ... These guys are jugglers, by the way. Criminal jugglers. One of them's even apparently a dwarf or something. I'll let you drink them in. Plus, you get a bit of Deathlok, the bugshit cyborg/mummy thing, as a bonus bad costume design up there in the corner...

The Scarlet Cameltoe

Haha, okay, she's actually "Diamondback," your 2001 World Series champs. I like how this costume has been specially created to make her hips and shoulders look enormous, while it makes her head and tits look like floating spheres. Also, nice stilettos. And flared gloves. Jesus, all that pink and sharp angles, you look like a gay street sign, honey.


Doc Samson

Speaking of which, how is it that Leonard Samson is a legitimate psychiatrist, but he doesn't know that he's flaming like a sack of crumpled newspaper? HOLY SHIT, NICE COSTUME MICHAEL JACKSON!

What makes it even better? That ain't short hair - that's a mullet! A corporate Eighties mullet! A coke dealing Yuppie fuck mullet! IT'S IN A PONYTAIL! YOU SUCK!

At least back in his original days, he had a corny retro-kitsch going on. I mean, he still looked like a total tool, but at least he looked like a tool who had a modicum of a sensayuma. Probably rocked out to Nugent in his van with the Frazetta painted on the side, and ten years later he's carrying a celphone and a briefcase and getting sucked off by prostitutes on a trading floor men's room stall ...

And finally ...

Doctor Druid

Only his footed pajames and indigo poncho could take Anthony's mind off of his tragic Male Pattern Baldness ...