Classic Gone-and-Forgotten: Hostess Heroes Featuring The Incredible Hulk

It was a hard and unforgiving time for everyone's favorite four-color icons, the late Seventies and early Eighties. It wasn't uncommon to see such varied characters as the Absorbing Man and a giant Flea from space fighting over a warehouse store of delicious cupcakes, or the Mighty Thor choking a Korean convenience store owner against the Doritos display, just to demand an unopened case of Fruit Pies.

Yes, the Hostess Snacks ads of the Seventies, just the tip of an iceberg of addiction which left Robin turning tricks in Crime Alley and Superman weeping in group therapy at the Betty Ford clinic while Braniac's skull-headed robot ship brazenly molested the Daily Planet building globe with none to stop him.

For a brief period during the transition between decades, comic characters were used to hawk Hostess Brand snack foods, from Superman to Spider-Man, from Richie Rich to Josie and the Pussycats, from Captain Marvel to Captain Marvel, full-page ads for INCREDIBLY BAD-FOR-YOU FOOD which still remain a favorite memory of many of us Bronze Age Babies.

Along with Batman, Spider-Man and a rare other few, The Hulk is one of the grand-daddies of the Hostess Heroes, his appearances filling volumes (you know, considering the ouvre). In this inaugural Hostess Heroes article, join your Humble Editor on an overview of a pastiche of pop culture mishmash so corny, it could as well be Quentin Tarantino's HULK SMASH Volume One …

The Incredible Hulk and the Green Thumb – This one starts as so many of the Hulk's trademark adventures, with the jade giant lured into the seemingly benevolent clutches of a mad botanist and her enormous, retarded produce. This used to happen all the time. In fact, I think that's how he first met Wolverine.

"Cousin Betsy, The Plant Lady" attempts to induct the Hulk into her jewelry-thieving trio of anthropomorphic plant-villains, charmingly named Mari Gold, Rhoda Dendron and Artie Chokes. I get that Artie, you know, can choke you, but I'd hate to see Rhonda dendron even a kitten.

The particular irony of this little adventure is that the Hulk didn't dislodge Cousin Betsy's stash when he's nanny-slapping Artie Choke …

"Yeah, don't worry about me, I'll just let my
spine get -- shattered -- augh -- enjoy those pies,
you fucks!"

The Incredible Hulk Versus the Roller Disco Devils
I guess if I were to call one super-hero to take care of a roving gang of roller-disco punk-asses who're breaking noise pollution laws, I'd call the Hulk. This is primarily because I'd be counting on old jade jaws to crush their spines to jelly and send them screaming to Hell. Seriously, I hate roller-disco.

Apparently, whatever city this is has a statute on the books which makes it illegal to prevent the purchase of snack foods by means of creating a public nuisance. I'm sure it's true, I saw it on Law&Order.

Seems funny to me that no parent in their right mind would think of allowing their children out on the streets while someone's out there dancing on roller skates, but they're okay with the kids cavorting in the immediate presence of a huge, green mongoloid who can roll asphalt like the Sunday paper.

Also, check out Hulk's hand-sign in the last panel. "HANG TEN, PUNY HUMAN!"

The Incredible Hulk Changes His Mind
Say what you want about the Hulk, he's at the very least a character so iconic that it's actually worth documenting the scenario in which he changes his mind! I don't think even Jesus gets so much as a verse where he ponders aloud "Well, on the other hand …"

But then again, let's see Jesus sell a fruit pie.

Speaking of miraculous children sent from heaven, I personally enjoyed seeing Hulk shake the baby tree in this episode. Must be late in the season, the kids're just dropping from the branches.

I'm sort of baffled by the logic introduced here, wherein strangers will NOT be intrigued by the presence of cup cakes leaping over a bush. Benevolent or no, why they don't go see, you know, who's hucking cupcakes or, more importantly, WHY they're hucking cupcakes, it's beyond me.

My real advice to Hulk is, if he wants to be alone, that maybe he should get out of the fucking park, genius.

The Incredible Hulk and the Ultimate Weapon
If one thing above all others makes this particular weapon ULTIMATE, it's that it is completely bugshit out of control and will destroy everything forever. That's about as ultimate as it gets. I suppose it's fairly true that, once everything else is destroyed, that last man on Earth whom so many ladies have said they won't sleep with will be thinking to himself "Man, that weapon sure is ultimate."

Where do you think they got the Santa's-
Bag-sized order of Hostess snacks? Sam's
Club? Probably Sam's Club.

By the time Hulk wraps up both his destruction of the weapon AND his incessant personal martyrdom – well, stop DOING them favors, Hulk! – the scientists who created the weapon are already distracted by a big pile of Hostess Fruit Pies. I think that takes the mystery out of how this machine ended up going berserk in the first place. These guys have a tetch of the ADHD …

The Incredible Hulk and the Twins of Evil
I'm guessing Wendigo and the Abomination are fraternal twins, or maybe they're just really tight with one another and they like to pull that "Brother from Another Mother" routine.

In any case, they totally put Hulk's ass through a table. It's not for me to cast aspersions on the Hulk's assertion at the end of the tale that a bellyful of fruit pies is going to tip the scales in favor of anything except a larger waistband on his big, purple shorts, but I think he'd be better off with a tummy-full of PCP and a bazooka. Honestly, I don't think Hulk gets stronger the higher his cholesterol level rises.

It's also nice that we got to see a followup to the earlier tale wherein Hulk implied he might change his mind again in the near future. Surely, he did, cause where he once wanted just to be left alone, now he just wants to fight fair. Oh Hulk, you are large and contain multitudes.